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Yessir, that time of the year has come again! A time for carolling, gift-buying, mad commercialization, political correctness, seasonal affective depression, and…oh hell, why on earth are we subjecting the human race to this massacre of spirit anyway?

Once a year, the likenesses of Santa go up, the nativity scenes go up (and then down again), the kids get grabby, and the adults stress about how the heck they are gonna distract the seven-year-old girls from the absence of a pony this year.

We live in a world where it’s hard to identify the good things; everything has at least one flaw. So much so that even Christmas, an innocent holiday meant to promote sanitary childbirthing conditions and cross-country camel trips gets warped into this Hallmark mess.

To everyone (Christians inexplicably included…) who is complaining that Christmas is getting too much exposure, that Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/nothing should be getting promoted to the same degree, I say “be thankful”. See, even if store signs were to say “Kwanzaa Koin Kaos” instead of the C-heavy alternative, I doubt the savings would be any less. But this way, Christmas is the one being greeted with hopeless sighs, mopey frowns, and sticky fingers, while the others can settle down in their homes, reap the discounts, and celebrate in peace (and for all those complaining Christians who mostly feel guilty for being a part of the “oppressive majority”, think of it as a personal sacrifice to atone, by allowing your holiday become the scapegoat! Cheers!).

On the other hand, those of you fighting against the “Happy Holiday movement”, I would also like you to STOP COMPLAINING! If our multicultural government and economy wishes to peddle to as many people as possible to rake in the votes and the moolah, just let them. Frankly, it don’t affect you that much anyhow. I mean, who cares if you can’t find a “Merry Christmas and my God bless your family” card at the Shopper’s Drug Mart? Take that as a lovely excuse to make your own cards to send to the relatives! I know that I would appreciate a hand-made version a lot more than something that, for all I know, was bought at the last second, scrawled on, then express-mailed to my house.

Else-wise, I must say, I am f-ing tired of hearing all of the holiday-heavy whining. “Oh, I don’t what to get so-and-so!” “Oh, I am soooo broke right now!” “Oh, I don’t have enough time to go Christmas shopping and finish that giant culminating assignment due on Monday!”. I mean, for Christ’s sake (heehee, Christmas rant, Jesus reference…), I’m starting to think that life would be a lot easier if we just…I dunno, did without the whole thing. Oh yes, but then the optimists, spiritualist, and sentimentalists would all go on about how Christmas is about the joy, the hope, and the blah blah blah… Tell me; what joy and hope? Christmas has become another Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Easter, etc.; an over-promoted, over-commercialized shadow of the spiritual holy day it once was. *sigh*

Maybe, in light of all this holiday stress, we should create a new day – a day where nobody has to work if they do not wish to do so. Stores and restaurants shall poll their employees to see if anyone wants to work, and if nobodywants to, then the store shall be closed on that day. Otherwise, you know, it’ll stay open, bu that’s only if there’s anyone who wants to work. It’ll be a holiday where the only tradition will be to relax. I mean, even Agnostica, a holiday based on, well…lack of faith, I guess, has complex traditions and activities. The entire world will just laze around and not do whatever the H-E-double-hockey-stick they don’t want to do. Don’t that sound loverly?

Well, I say we do it! Let’s pick, oh, January 2nd. Seems like a good day, eh? I think most year-end holidays tend to be done by then, and it leaves a nice day for any last-minute hangovers to be gotten over… we shall call it…well, in the spirit of sloth, we’ll just call it Jan 2 – pronounced “jan two”. Not January 2, not Jan the second, no no, none of that. Just…Jan 2. And we shall petition, and it shall come to fruition!!


Okay, fine. I, meanwhile, shall celebrate in private, and spread it as I want, until one day, maybe just one day, it will become a national truth. Come join me, won’t you?


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