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Okay, so I’ve figured it out; my attitude towards attention.

Apparently, I like it, sortakinda want it, just as long as I don’t know who it’s coming from. Pageview states are nothing but numbers; the most detail one can wring out of them is the itty link that referred them to this shallow grave of misery and insubstantiality.

However, once I can put a face to the stat, it gets hairy. I mean, it’s so…personal, you know? All these questions bubble to the surface: Why are they here? For what reason could they possibly want to read this? Do they expect something from me? Will they perchance actually ask for something from me if we ever should meet face-to-face?

Oh the humanity.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m all too aware that the wrong people are reading what I write. Because, well, I’d like to think that what I write is personal, honest…something which I think I rarely am in real life. At least, about what I think or how I feel about certain things. And, well, there’s a reason I don’t wander around yelling about my insecurities; although I am fully aware that my contributions to this blog could be construed as such. Now, while there are different reasons for different people, the blanket reason is basically that I’m slightly scared of their reactions, and the possibility that I would be forced to relinquish the image of stability and quirky nonchalance that I’d like to imagine that I’ve cultivated.

So, once I can place a name and a face to whoever is willingly delving into my musings, I become fully aware that they have had the opportunity to react to all the things to which I didn’t want them to react. Are you following me here?

Now, you may ask: “so if you’re so fearful of making it personal, facing the reactions from those around you, why do you always write these posts in a fashion that suggests a personal communication between the reader and the narrator?” Simple answer: because it’s easier to convey sentiment and express non-seriousness should the need arise.

Also because it’s how I talk to myself, but that’s another matter.

So, in conclusion, I am fearful of personal connection, I really need work on my basic sentence structure, and I talk to myself. Now I will be off to scan something in the library.



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