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I am.


No joke.

Especially now, at 4am, when I’m in one of my, for lack of a better name, “hermit moods”. When I am obviously zoned out in some sort of pre-slumber funk, obviously sleepy, yet too lazy to get of my ass and actually go to bed. It is at these times when I aimlessly peruse the internet, traversing cyberspace, leaving no mark of my presence behind; no comments, no forum posts, no nothing, and that’s how I like it.

But then, what should appear but a disturbing aberration: a close friend had a birthday.

See, recently, out of laziness, I have stopped wishing people happy birthdays on facebook. I mean, I have over 200 facebook friends, most with posted birthdays to which I will be eventually notified, and if I continued wishing every one a happy birthday, then, seeing as I’m only barely acquaintances with most of them, it would mostly amount to me emotionlessly typing “Happy birthday so-and-so! :)” 200 times a year. I might as well just wish them all a happy belated birthday collectively every January 1st, and be done with it, really.

Sidenote: not to mention that if I took it upon myself to wish everyone a happy birthday, I would feel bad if I didn’t check the internet one day and missed the birthday of even the most insignificant facebook friend, so to save myself the emotional turmoil, I set limits!

Now, since facebook birthdays have very much become an international phenomena by themselves, I still feel compelled to participate, and, as such, I still wish a happy birthday via facebook to those who I sorta-remotely care about (when I remember to even check in the first place)

So, back to the main narrative, a close friend had a birthday, prompting my to want to post a somewhat uncharacteristically cheerful online greeting, you know, to show that I cared enough to try and deviate from the Happy birthday so-and-so! :)” template. Thus, in my pre-slumber zombie state, I mustered up a happy birthday greeting. But then, anxiety stuck in the form of tiny blue button; a tiny, square, blue button that read “Share”.

See, that’s when it hit me; I would be “sharing” this bout of uncharacteristic cheeriness with the world (okay, maybe not; but definitely with all of her facebook friends). This is something that displays a part of me that, while fully conscious, I am usually only comfortable displaying to the people to which I’m closest, and not, you know, the entirety of all people who know of my existence. It’s all very…unnerving.

Not only is it unnerving, but I also find it terribly intimidating. That word: share. Shaaaaaare. In other words: bare your soul, expose your innermost workings, let the vultures have free range over your intestines (sorry about the graphic imagery folks!)! How does no one else find this terrifying?! Granted, on a scale of exhibitionism from not to ten, I’m on the uncommonly low end of the scale, as in the “hide self behind a bookshelf in fetal position” end, but still…

Where does everyone else in the universe muster up the courage that I don’t? To forwardly state their opinions, make uninvited commentary, all at the risk of having whatever little thing they say be ripped apart word by word, their flaws exposed, be it by online reply or by offline vocal/mental criticism. Is there no one out there as scared of putting forth their worthless, meek thoughts as I am?

Yeah, yeah, the old argument returns: “but you’re commenting on all of this in your blog! How are you not similarly afraid of this?!”

Answer: I am still relatively anonymous here. I am fairly certain that nobody in this universe regularly reads it, judging by my lackluster pageview stats. So…there?


I have no conclusitory statement, and it is now 5am, and I must hasten to bed before my housemates wake up and I am judged for going to sleep after they wake up for the day.

Adieu, my nonexistant readers!!


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