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I think you’re slipping…away… — Dr. Horrible

It’s times like these, when I am half asleep, yet still awake, that I am the most irritable. And it is times like now, when I am the most irritable, that I pick up on all the itty bitty flaws.

I tend to notice just exactly how much one person likes to talk about him/herself.

I tend to notice just how hard one person tries to take attention from the storyteller and bring it on her/himself.

I tend to idly observe those who need, those who crave, those who yearn, and how they differ from those who truly need nothing.

I tend to see those who laugh, those who join, and those who stand at the edges, grinning half-heartedly.

I tend to wonder about those who surround me, why they surround me, and how my life would be different if I was more like them.

Take the holidays, for example. Would I be a happier person if I had more of a connection with my extended family? If I had more people to surround myself with, to smile with me and out up with me because we share DNA and wedding rings, would I be more cheerful, more self-assured? If I was a person who was less afraid to speak up, and ask for what I wanted, would I be better off? Would I be more confident? Would I have more stories to tell? Would I be more apt to look upon someone like myself with pity? Would I be less apt to be thankful for my non-existent holidays, since they offer less opportunity for awkwardness and disappointment?

It’s times like these when I turn inward, no matter who I’m with. Even when I’m surrounded by dozens of friends, all laughing away, if I am tired, I will start to drift, and think, and wonder. I wonder if, somewhere along the line, I was damaged. I wonder if, given the right circumstances, I could be a better person than I am now. I wonder if life is ever going to be as good as it is now. I wonder if I will ever be more secure, more free, more relaxed than I am now. I wonder how serious the ramifications would be if it all ended now (and then I remember that the ramifications of “it all ending now” would be quite serious indeed, and in no way worth serious consideration). I wonder if there isn’t some part of me that I’m deliberately hiding from everyone else in the world, including myself, and if it would ever become possible or beneficial to reveal it.

It’s like…sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a mask (clichéd, I know…), but the thing is, I’m not even sure if I like that mask, or if I would like that mask but I’m just not wearing it right. But then, if I don’t really like the mask I’m wearing, then would it be a good thing to let it slide a little? How could letting it slide ever be a good thing if I’m not ever sure what’s underneath the damn mask?

It’s times like these when, honestly, I just want to go to sleep, if that’s alright with you.

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