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Ok, so I’m posting this here, instead of writing it all down in my little Word document, because right now, in my little moment of rage, I want them to see it. I just want sooo effing badly to send them (both!) this in a bleeding Facebook message, because I just want them to see this, and read this, and understand this THAT badly.

But I won’t. I…well, I don’t really like confrontation, and I don’t think them reading this would change anything. Besides, I’d feel bad; like I was dumping all of my bad feelings on them. It’s why I don’t tend to share my feelings: they’re my feelings, my load to carry, and mine alone. Just because I feel bad, doesn’t mean I should make everyone around me feel just as horrible, right? Though, that might be why I’m in this situation to begin with, because, for all my friends know, I’m perfectly fine with what’s going down. I’m all smiles, and cheer, and “you do whatever makes you happy!” God, I’m such a pushover…but I really don’t want to stand in the way of them having fun and enjoying themselves.

Although, I suppose in the event that something does end up happening, I’m not in a very good situation. I’d be forced to repress my reaction, probably. Or, if I do end up reacting badly, they’d all be able to say stuff like “well you said it was okay to go”, or “you didn’t give me any indication that you were upset with it”, and it’d be all my fault. Oh dear…

So, I’m posting it. On my little side blog, in plain view of anyone who bothers to come across this. Here goes…

Okay, so here’s the situation: me and my ex broke up…about 1.5 years ago. Well, he broke up with me. It kinda sucked. And then he decided to go to a school in the same city as mine, you know, of all possible cities, right? But it’s a really popular city, and it was different schools (not like we’d see each other much if we were going to the same school anyway), so I was (eventually) totally fine with it. Every Christmas, I travel home, and me and my high school friends see each other, because that’s pretty much the one time of year we’re all in the same place. I guess you could say this year it’s extra important that we all spend time together, because one of the group is in friggin’ Germany doing an exchange this year, so…yikes! We usually do something extra special with everyone around Christmas, and then possibly something a little smaller for New Years as well. However, this year, two of the group (to be frank, this is out of a group of 3 that I consider to be my closest friends) are going to the city where I (and my ex) go to school, specifically to attend a party hosted by my ex for New Years. And they weren’t even that close of friends to begin with! At least, I don’t think… Anyway, this is to them:

The point is, I feel like you’re abandoning me for my ex. My closest friends are ditching me in favour of my ex-boyfriend, and…you don’t do that! People just don’t do that! In my mind, Christmas is that one, sunny time where I go home, and see all of my friends from home. Even though we might not be that close, and even though we don’t really talk to each other while I’m at school, it all doesn’t matter, come Christmas. And Christmas IS that much more special than summer, not because of the holiday itself, but because that’s pretty much the one time of year when everyone is finally together. During summer, everyone’s off at camps, doing internships, taking summer courses, travelling, and working, and I’m pretty sure nobody ends up seeing much of each other by the end anyway, least of all together. But Christmas, on the other hand…

So, to me, this feels like a travesty. This feels like a betrayal. It’s just a bitch move (Okay, that might be a little harsh…). During that one sacred time of year when we’re finally all in the same damn place, and I finally get to see everyone, and spend time with everyone all together, you do NOT go running off to the place where I pretty much live during the year, to go see my EFFING EX-BOYFRIEND. Isn’t there some sort of code? Like a bro code, but for girls? Or even just “guidelines not to piss off your friends and act like a little bitch” (Not that you’re acting bitchy in the slightest…but if such a set of guidelines do exist, I think that’d be a nice name for them, don’t you?); there should be one. And I mean, granted, this definitely isn’t as bad as hooking up with my ex. It doesn’t remotely come close; but I’m still not exactly doing cartwheels about it.

And even worse, you tell me (indirectly, of course) that you might be leaving on this precious New Year’s trip on the 29th. Really? You’re leaving, in the middle of our special time together, to go gallivanting off to see my ex, ON MY BIRTHDAY? I don’t know how, but that just makes it feel more personal. Not only are you leaving during our special time, but possibly on the ONE day in 365 that society deems as MINE? And now that I think about it, you’re not leaving on any ordinary birthday, No, you’re leaving on my TWENTIETH birthday. A milestone birthday. Because you’d prefer to spend time with my ex-boyfriend over me. Thank, you guys. Really, just, thanks. It makes me feel so effing WARM and CUDDLY on the inside. I mean, sure, I don’t tend to do much for, or even really acknowledge my birthday most years. But you know what? I come from a society that does. And you all come from families that do. So the fact that you might be pulling this on my birthday still smarts.

Furthermore…you might not know this, but I’ve got what you might call “esteem issues” for my breakup. And even though it was 2 years ago, I still haven’t gotten past them to the point where I can’t get triggered. Where I don’t get those hurt feelings rushing back at the slightest mention of certain things. Sure, I’m fine 99.996% of the time. I can talk vaguely about him when giving relationship advice. I can see his Facebook status updates and feel nothing but a vague annoyance, the same way you’d feel about any other attention-seeking Facebook friend. I feel nothing for or about him anymore.

But he broke up with me for another girl. So when the break up occurred, in the midst of all the normal break-up crap, a part of me kept feeling like there was something wrong with me. You know, like in Taylor Swift’s some You Belong With Me (a rather pathetic song example, I know, but it’s the one that hits the widest audience), would I be “the other girl”? The horrible girlfriend who’s all wrong for the boy and clearly deserves to suffer? Well, we were wrong for each other anyway, but that’s beside the point. He demonstrated that there was someone else that he’d rather spend his time with, which, at that time, implied that there was something wrong with me, that this other girl was, in all ways, better than me. And as much as I hate to admit it, especially among all of the other breakup feelings, that left a slight impression on me.

And now, after all that, you’ve chosen to spend New Years, during one of the only times in a year that we have the opportunity to see each other, to go see him. There it is: the trigger. It just brings back all those feelings and thoughts from the breakup. That you’d rather spend time with him, who you’re not even close friends with, than with me. That he’s better, more fun, more deserving of good things, than me. That there’s something so fundamentally wrong with me, that I deserve misery, that I deserve to be alone, even though I’m pretty sure that’s not true. And what makes it worse is that it’s coming from you: people who, from perhaps sheer force of nostalgia alone, I identify as my best friends. People who I believe to give me at least an inkling of though while making decisions; I would like to think that I at least crossed your mind. After all, it’s right there: Montreal…hey, that’s where she goes to school! December 29th…hey, that’s her birthday! I turned 20 this year…hey, she’s turning 20 as well! And I don’t know which presents the worst implications: that I didn’t cross your minds at all, or that I did, but you chose to ignore it.

It’s not like I expect anything from you or that I want anything from you; before, or after reading this (if you do at all). The more logical side of my brain keeps telling me that I really have no right to object at all, and I’m in agreement. It’s your lives, your New Years, you know? You have full reign to do whatever makes you happy, and I have no right to make you do anything but enjoy your trip. Besides, it’s not like this trip is all about my ex, and it definitely shouldn’t be all about me. You’ll be going to a great and exciting city, which may very well be the reason you’re leaving for the trip a day early (on my birthday) (sorry about that incidental guilt trip). And though I kind of want to go with you, because, come on, it’s a really fun city, it just doesn’t work out for me. I’d be going home, and then there, and the back home, and then back there, because New Years is just too far from when school starts, in the span of 2 weeks. It just…wouldn’t work out. But after spending 2.5 years there, I’ve kind of grown to thinking about it as my city, you know? And this whole thing just lines up a bit too well in my head…my friends, my city, my ex, my birthday…and all without me. I’m making no excuses here; I know I can be a bit (understatement!) possessive. If my roommate so much as leaves a ring on my bathroom shelf, so help me…

So yeah, that’s how I feel. If either of you end up reading this, first: dear lord, you read all that?! And also, please, please understand: I’m not asking you to not go, or to change your plans. The last thing I want is to interfere, or to make you resent me, or to make you feel guilty. It’s just…how I feel, and I thought it was a good idea to put it out there before it comes to bite me in the ass. Also, I feel a lot better just having written it out. I’m still really excited to see you in December! 😀 We’ll definitely hang out and have fun, just…not on New Year’s (again, sorry about that second incidental guilt trip).

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