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You know what? I’m bringing it all back. No more password protection (except that one page that I feel like really should be locked away forever), no more secrecy, no more shame; I’m lettin’ it all hang out baby!

I know I said before that I was ashamed. And I still am…a little bit…kind of. But that was, what…at least 6 months ago? Definitely one and a half semesters plus one summer ago, by my count. Maybe I’ve grown up since then. Or maybe I’m just in a little bit of a better mood and I’ve simply changed my mind (because that’s what people do). Or maybe I’ve just found a bunch of 3-year-old blogs from friends and acquaintances that I think were clearly meant to be kept secret (the blogs, not my friends and acquaintances), and I had a good long laugh at how ridiculous they were; how ridiculous we all were.

Point is, I’m putting this blog back to public setting and leaving it here for a while. After all, I don’t think I ever posted anything too damaging, and plus, if I ever want to I can just shove the whole thing back on private mode again. (Knock on wood that I never end up eating those words when I’m permanently banned from employment because of a stupid post I made when I was in high school)

When I took everything down, it was shortly following a moment when something I posted online came to affect me IRL, and I had a bit of a freak out. It threw me into this big-ass existential-crisis-like deal, “oh my Gawd people are reading what I write”, “oh my Gawd people I know are reading what I write”, “oh my Gawd I’m sharing too much on the internet I’m so pathetic oh noes oh noes” (not in those works dear lord please slap me if you catch me talking like that unironically).

But really, was anything I ever posted really that bad? Maybe. Actually, no…yes, yes it was that bad. Definitely in terms of quality, depth, and, well…I’m definitely not going to win a Pulitzer for any of them, that’s for sure. I made a post last February explaining exactly why I was taking down my blog, and I made a few good point then. On the other hand, well, I think I’ve let that go (for now at least). This blog was silly and poorly written. It tried to make profound observations, present important social commentary, and make a statement worth being proud of; needless to say…it failed. But what it did exceptionally well was present an accurate impression of who I was when I wrote my posts: a socially awkward teen too wrapped up in her own head (who, in my defense, was also low on sleep)(also I haven’t changed that much throughout the years, maybe I’m just a little bit more self-aware now). It was a reflection of who I was, what my mindset was, even what my style was all those years ago. And while I don’t feel like that’s exactly something worth sharing, I think it’s at least something worth preserving (and it’s worth noting there’s a difference between sharing a cookie and just leaving said cookie out on a counter full of other similarly poorly-decorated cookies).

And, at the end of the day, what my posts are, above all else, is freaking funny! Even the ones where I was trying to be deliberately funny…although those ones are just sad in their own right. But they’re all funny in a nostalgic way, that way everyone loves to laugh about what massive idiots we were when we were younger, even though we thought we were so deep and intelligent and cool and funny and important. Looking back, we were fooling no one but ourselves, frankly. But I like being able to look back and groan. I like being able to pick through my posts and point out exactly when I thought I was being introspective and wise while ignoring my very shallow worldview; when I thought I was so unique and special even though I was spitting out literally what every other kid in my situation was thinking; when I thought I was being so subtle in my complaints even though now I could identify exactly who and what I was whining about from the Moon…without a telescope. And why should I be selfish and hoard all the embarrassment to myself? Everyone should be allowed the opportunity to point at me and laugh (plus it might make them more receptive to me pointing and laughing with them at their old blogs too so…bonus?), let’s all point and laugh at me together! It’ll be fun.

Plus, you know, it wasn’t all bad. I think 17-year-old me had some gems among the chaos. Not to mention, well, I like to think that I’ve matured to the point where I’ve realized that I’ve got a lot more growing to do, and that I’ll never stop changing (I know, took me long enough right?). In that spirit, I think I might like to start posting again someday (maybe soon), you know, take another snapshot as it were. And when I do, there are some points and arguments and posts here that I may want to revisit. Maybe take a look at them through my older 20-something lens and see how it stacks up against my teen self, or maybe even just take one of my old posts and completely decimate 16-year-old me; she (in a manner startlingly reminiscent of 21-year-old me, isn’t that interesting?) tends to make some strange assumptions and awkward logical fallacies. And if ten years down the road finds me thinking “damn, I should have written more on that blog”, well then, that’s my loss isn’t it.

Fin de la conte: It’s back baby, just as it was. I don’t want to be Madonna, refusing to sing her old hits at concerts; I’d rather be Billy Ray Cyrus, perfectly happy to whip out a mullet wig on his daughter’s television show. I mean, I respect Madonna a lot more if only because the screaming mess that is Hannah Montana didn’t spring from her loins, but I feel like Mr. Achy-Breaky-Heart might be marginally more fun at parties based on that fact alone.

So here it is. I invite you to bask in the awkward teenage angst. Although since this is the first post on the site, I feel it is my duty to warn you: moving forward is to delve into the mind of a self-important judgement teenager masquerading as an wise and open-minded intellectual. Tread carefully.

(Oh, and if you start hating me just a little bit, I beg of you to please take into consideration the date-and-timestamp on whatever post you happen to be reading and cut me a little slack? I assure you, I probably hate past!Grace infinitely more than you ever could…)


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